____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
