I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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