she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
