my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
