Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
