I can't watch pbs sober anymore
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
