just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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