he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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