Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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