FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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