take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
