Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
