We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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