she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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