It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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