She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
