She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.