Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
