My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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