Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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