He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
