good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
