I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
