Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
