we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
high people should be assigned attendants
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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