Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
