Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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