I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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