did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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