So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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