I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
