So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
