I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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