1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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