found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
