If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Green mimosas i think yes
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
