Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
how drunk are you?
Several
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
