Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
