My Higher Power is John Stamos
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
