Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
