who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
