Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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