youre lurking in front of me
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
