If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Randomize
