My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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