I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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