You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
