if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just gargled with NyQuil
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
