i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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