I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
