shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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