dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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