Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
