I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
