I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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