The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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