i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
