good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
