I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
