I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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